repudiate | ｔｈｉｒｄ。ｗｒｉｔｔｅｎ。

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ｔｈｉｒｄ。ｗｒｉｔｔｅｎ。

[ locked away from breaks_destiny so much ]

[ she can't even bring herself to use voice for this - just sending this message out in general is already embarassing enough, but she can't think of it by herself, so.. have some written text, Luceti. ]

So, let's say there's a person who did a lot for you, and even though you still can't really take it in you feel like you should at the very least try to do something back for them in return. Since it's only natural, and maybe you want to show you care as well or whatever. Something like that.

But all the things they did are so big combined that you can't even start to think of something that would be big enough or of equal value to give in return. So.. what should you even do in a situation like that?

... Purely hypothetical, I mean.

......

This is stupid.

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[ ... is she seriously going to discuss this with someone. Because she feels embarassed just thinking about it, about all these feelings, and it's stupid and confusing and utterly ridiculous, and.. ]

... I don't know. It's just so hard.

[ well, she figures at least Minato won't be a jerk about it. ]

It can be.

[Attachments can feel like weaknesses - especially for someone like Ange, someone like how he'd used to be. There are people he'd cared immensely for, but still never said he 'loved.' And now they're gone.]

Edited 2011-12-12 15:06 (UTC)

Listen, you have to promise to not tell anyone else about this, alright? I'll definitely

[ the rest of the line is blank - apparently she isn't even able to think up a convincing threat, not in this kind of situation. ]

I'm just scared. That's the problem.

Edited 2011-12-12 15:11 (UTC)

I promise. [even without a threat he's a man of his word.]

What scares you?

That if I say something like that to him, he'll be gone. That's what this place is like, right? They already took Battler onii-chan before too, and they would do it again to other people.

I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to end up alone again. It's okay if I've been alone from the start, but.. to have something and then lose it.. [ that's what she's most afraid of. ]

[...There's a lot he could say, to these emotions he recognizes right away. But in the end, they're all thoughts he'd considered and discarded. Hopefully, he can help Ange do the same.

He starts simple.]

He might leave even if you say nothing. Then you'll wonder what could have happened.

If I have to choose, I'd rather be stuck with that than left behind with knowing exactly what I'm missing.

That's managing, Ange-san.... Not living.

Edited 2011-12-12 15:42 (UTC)

I haven't 'lived' in over twelve years.

[ maybe a little in the more literal sense too - maybe she was just supposed to die with everyone else long ago, and that's why everything turned out likd this even though she's still alive. but more in the sense Minato just mentioned too. ]

But I guess it's the only way to make it through.

[Little do they know that they're not so different in this regard either. He should have died ten years earlier than he had. His time since that accident was borrowed, carrying Death until it matured and came to claim the debt.

But he doesn't regret it. Not one minute - nor the years of extra interest he'd accumulated in this world.]

Happiness isn't finite. It's not tied to one thing or person and then gone forever.

[ You're hitting the nail right on the head there, Minato, considering it's one of the main problems with Ange's way of thinking. ]

... My family died a long time ago. And.. after that, nothing became the same anymore. My aunt hated me and just tries to make me as miserable as possible, my classmates just bullied me, there was absolutely no one on my side anymore. And eventually I was just dragged into a witch's game and made into a sacrifice.

[ not that she likes telling about this - it's just needed for her point, she knows. ]

When my family died, so did my happiness. From that moment on, all I had was that misfortune. It can be tied to one thing.

[Minato really didn't want to turn this into a contest of whose past was worse. Still, she'd shared that much of herself. The only way forward is to share his own.]

My family died when I was young, too. [yes, even that sister who now cheerfully flits around the house.] I didn't have an aunt, but neither was there anyone who wanted me; not for very long.

Closing myself off was easiest. No one understood me, so it was better not to let them try. That way I wouldn't be pitied. I could live normally.

[...] But 'normal' isn't 'happy.'

[ she does wonder about the sister, but.. she's assuming he probably means the rest of the family. or something like that. either way, it's exactly because of reading this that she knows that.. well, he could relate to her own story, right? even if there's nothing about witches or the like.. ]

Then.. how do you even find an exit from that? You should know if you've been in that situation yourself, right, Minato-san?

I learned the importance of making bonds with others.

[It wasn't like he'd never had friends before Port Island, but Social Links gave him a purpose to see them out, to create more fulfilling relationships than he ever had before.]

With that kind of power, you can even create a miracle.

... Creating a miracle through your bonds with people, huh..? I'd almost say that sounds a little ridiculous.

[even if it does....]

It still happened.

Isn't that just some special case though? Who knows if the same would even count for me.

Maybe the 'miracle,' but not the rest.

But it still changes nothing about the fear that he might just be gone soon, right?

If he left right now, wouldn't it still hurt?

It would. But if I actually went for it, it would hurt only more. Like this.. I could probably still deal with it if it happened.

[...]

So instead you'll hurt the present him, and yourself.

[ There's quite a pause before she writes. Mostly because.. well, she just knows he's right. And if it was just hurting herself, that would be okay, since she's been doing it all this time, but.. ]

I don't want to hurt him.

Then don't push him away.

But won't he just get hurt in the future otherwise too?

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